"House of Crotch" is the thirty-eighth episode in the Skyrim for Pimps series and the first episode of Season 4. In this season, we take a deeper look into Crotch Guzzler's life. This episode is a "very special kind of walkthrough" for The Elder Scrolls V: Heathfire.
Plot[]
Crotch built his manor with his own two hands!
We start off this episode with Crotch asking for money from his drug dealing wife, Ysolda. He wants to buy a house but she doesn't give him enough for such. Plus, he walks up to the house selling dude and he says there are no houses! But at least there's land and Crotch can buy that. Galloping away on Shadowmere, he remembers how weird it was to have to drag a corpse for Fün but says it was quite nice of her to let him keep the horse.
Reaching his land, Crotch jumps into building his house but immediately realizes he needs materials, like wood, clay and nails. Since building a house takes waaayyy too long, a nice montage is done, showing all the steps Crotch took in order to build the home he always wanted.
When he is finally done, he proceeds to show Emre his manor. Right from the start, his skull collection increase becomes obvious - as soon as you step into the house, scattered skulls greet you from all over the floor.
Continuing to the main part of the house, a wide dinning area is presented to us, of course with more skulls on the ground, and with a couple of corpses chucked onto, and into!, some chairs. There we meet Sonir, the judging musician, who says Crotch looks a little sickly. Starting to play but not moving out of the way, Crotch has to throw a punch at her. She gets the hint and steps aside, letting Crotch continue with his house tour.
Able to approach the dead bodies now, the arch-mage introduces them from back in the college days, the Catman and the Faggot, J'zargo and Onmund. Moving on to the master bedroom, there is a big bed, where him and Ysolda will have good times, and some more skulls. Emre asks if they'll make children in that bed, but Crotch says they will adopt, because his wife might be barren, due to consuming her own product.
Following, there's a hangout room, where Crotch and his friends smoke cigars and drink bourbon or cut limbs. Sometimes, though, it does seem to be a little difficult to get around because of the vast number of skulls, but it's worth it. Next is a small storage room for random things, like satchels and their display case and 14 barrels and more skulls.
Sonir's future is filled with punches.
Returning to the main room, Sonir seems alarmed and asks Crotch not to hurt her. He says he won't, unless she fucks up the music again. She grabs a wooden spoon and stirs the pot on the fire and gets threatened by him. Oh, the wonders of being a house owner! Sonir does seem nosy though...
They go to the upper floor, where there are even more skulls, a mannequin, some more display cases, and a guest bedroom, with a guest in it, Brelyna. Well, Brelyna's cadaver. And it is there with a purpose: so one day Crotch can tell his kids everyone makes mistakes, himself included, who dated someone and ended up not working out. She's there to remind them there are more fish in the sea. Crotch shows us a different room, informing that sometimes he sleeps there because there are more skulls piled up.
Then finally he shows us the ladder that leads up to the tower. The soles of his feet are gauged about 3.000 times from the various teeth of his collection, but he doesn't have time to pull them out. The last room to show is the basement, where he has some armor stored and where he keeps his untrained gangrenous skeevers. He would like to start brewing his own beer and even has all the setup, but it has been difficult because of the constant bites from his pets.
The final step is for Crotch to get Ysolda and show her their new love nest. She's been sick of her business in Whiterun. The people she sells drugs to have been dying or have no money left, plus violence has increased dramatically. She definitely needs a change and agrees with the move.
Brelyna's there to teach Crotch's kids a lesson.
Upon arriving, Crotch spots a neighboring giant who does not leave his property, which grants him his death. Approaching the domestic animals outdoors, he sees Chicken pushing and harassing Spanky, the marvelous cow. Going indoors, Crotch acknowledges Ysolda has not yet arrived, for she has chosen to walk, and asks Sonir to play some music for his wife, more specifically the drums and Inceptions theme song. As soon as she turns up, Ysolda takes notice of J'zargo's corpse and is introduced to it by her husband. Inquiring her about the day's profit, Guzzler notices she was quite busy on her walk home because there is some dough made!
Going back down to the man cave, he tries to teach the skeevers to sit, but ends up with a basement full of dead pets. Maybe it wasn't such a great idea to get them in the first place. Realizing he has no friends, since they're all deceased, Crotch summons one of them but the guy steals his staff and murders all the remaining skeevers. After setting him on fire, Crotch is obligated to kill his buddy once again. However, the dude disappears after falling and takes Crotch's Skull of Corruption staff with him. The arch-mage grasps that man cave is shit and he'll probably never go back there.
Video[]
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